Christian Marriage

There is an element of selfishness that is dangerous to your if you continue to look at your marriage as what you get out of it more than what you give to it.  Some people talk of marriage being a 50/50 arrangement.  The husband makes up 50 % and the wife makes up 50%.  While it obviously takes two to make the marriage, you cannot expect your marriage to thrive on a 50% effort.  If you’re only giving a 50% effort, then you must be holding back 50% as well.  It takes 100% effort and it takes sacrifice.

For husbands the Bible speaks of Christ’s love for the church as the example for how to love your wife.  Jesus loved the church so much that he gave his life up for us.  He had to give himself 100% so the plan of salvation to work.  As the moment came close he even asked God if there was any other way, but if there was not he would do it anyway.

Look men, our privilege is to provide for our wives.  I do not mean merely bringing home the bacon either.  God has given our wives to us with the privilege of helping them to become everything that God has planned for them.  Our job is to love them so much that we would sacrifice our own ambitions to see them succeed.  The questions we must answer are:

What has God created and gifted her for?

What does she need to become great? and

How can I make it happen for her?

If you hear yourself evaluating your loses, be careful, or you might let your own selfishness rob you of your blessing.

I’ll continue this article on sacrificial love in marriage next time focusing on what a wife sacrifices.

We all understand love in so many different ways usually based on our previous experiences.  Most often we give love measured out in reaction to what we get out of the relationship.  Check out these three important concepts of love that will have you loving your spouse in a new way.

Realize that love is a choice. Many follow their feelings and love one person after another in a long and unsuccessful succession.  Is that love?  True love chooses to love as the feelings go up and down.  There is security to a committed love like that.  Wedding vows used to read, “till death do us part,” or “as long as you both shall live.”  Many still use the same vows but apparently they forget in the hard times and give up on their spouse.  The choice is to love and do it to your best even when it hurts.

Hold nothing back. Love your spouse with everything that you are and have.  If you hold back in any area, you are not only shortchanging your spouse, but yourself as well.   Does anyone but God deserve everything that you have?  No, no one deserves it, but we give it freely and liberally.  God prescribes that we love each other as married people with everything that we have, so that’s what we must do.  It can be scary to give all of ourselves.  What if our spouse does not return the love or treats us disrespectfully?   If your relationship is difficult at the moment, then working to build trust is important.  Part of the marriage development equation will require giving all of ourselves.

Put action to your love. Love is not mere sentiment.  Action is the proof of love.  Because you love your spouse, you go out of your way to bless them.  It might be to meet their needs.  It might be just because you want to show you love them.  Even when there is some disagreement between you and your spouse you can do things that show you love them.  In this circumstance it really becomes a display of unconditional love.  In the hard times and the good, show your love to your spouse in ways that they can easily see your heart.  It will keep your relationship steady.

Love comes from inside us.  It is the gift that we give particularly to our spouse.  It allows them to be free to be who they are without the risk of being unloved by us.  Give your all- no strings attached.

If you are looking for some tools for overcoming issues in your Christian marriage, then get my free e-book called, “Realignment For Your Christian Marriage.”

You can find the free e-book at http://realignment.thefamilyandhome.com/.

Doesn’t it feel great when someone tells you that they appreciate you?  We all need to feel needed.  We all need to feel valued.  Especially in marriage, we not only need to hear that we are appreciated, but we also need to give appreciation. There are two special benefits to communicating to our spouses that we appreciate them.

It keeps us thankful-  Thankfulness helps us to stay humble.  Thankfulness turns our eyes to how others help us.  When our attention turns to that, we begin to see the value that our spouse adds to us, instead of only how we feel they let us down.

Since selfishness is one of the greatest enemies of marriage, then keeping our eyes out for things to appreciate about our spouse will help us to focus on the many good qualities that they possess. As we mention how much we appreciate those things to them something begins to happen in them, which leads us to benefit number two.

It builds them up- When our spouse begins to realize that what they do and who they are is important to us, they have a greater sense of worth in themselves.

When we have an understanding of that we are worth something to somebody, then we tend to give even more of our selves to that person.  When we know that we are important in our spouse’s eyes, then they hold a greater value to us as well.

Be careful that we do not take this as flattering someone to get something.  This is about genuinely appreciating what others do for us.  If we would communicate appreciation, openly and truthfully, we would find ourselves growing closer and closer.  One of the best tools to keep the right focus in the togetherness of marriage is appreciation

Marriage can get nasty because people lose their ability to communicate or maybe they never really did it well in the first place.  Good communication is essential to a fulfilling marriage where there is good understanding, meaningful affection and growth toward oneness.  So here are three skills to improve upon in order to have deeper, fulfilling relationship with your spouse.

Pay attention to your spouse’s actions and conversation.  When your spouse is trying to tell you something, listen to them.  It’s easy to be distracted by your own thoughts.  Much of the time people are already formulating a response before they’ve heard the other person’s completed thought.  Be ready to restate your spouse’s thoughts back to them to make sure that you understand exactly what they are trying to tell you, and then put your thoughts together on how to respond.

Say what you mean.  Think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it.  After you really understand what your spouse is saying, carefully put your words together in response.  Many times our mouths just open and stuff flies out that is more emotion that thought process.  Those kinds of words are more destructive than helpful.  They might be what you feel, but really aren’t what you truly think.

Actions speak very loudly.  Let your words and actions match.  Words are easy to speak, but their meaning is proved by actions.  Marriage is a crucial relationship.  In relating to your spouse, be true to your word.  If you are speaking love, then back it up with care and concern.  Many times actions without words can communicate volumes.  If my wife takes my hand or puts her arm under mine, I think in my mind, “I’m special to her.”  To me that’s worth a thousand words.

If you don’t have a handle on these three skills your marriage experience will go up and down like a yo-yo.  Getting a handle on these skills will bring your marriage to a place where there is understanding, affection and unity.  It does not mean that problems or misunderstandings will never happen.  These skills are the tools that you need to overcome difficulties as they arise and to avoid some of them before they happen.

At different times even in our Christian marriage we sense a distance between us our spouse.  It happens over a period of time.  It starts with a quietness now and then, and escalates to long term disconnection.  Unfortunately, it becomes easier just to go about doing our own thing and let our relationship stay as it is.  We all know that a plan like that never leads us closer.  It only leads us farther apart.  So what are we to do?  How can we reconnect in an meaningful way?

Although love is sometimes called the “Universal Language,” it can be interpreted in many different ways.  Your path to reconnection in your marriage is through love that can be communicated in a way that your spouse understands.

Each person feels loved in different ways.  Some really feel loved when words of love are spoken.  Others feel loved when physical affection is present.  Still some feel loved when their spouse does some thoughtful action like a gift or making a special date.

The key lies in asking God to help you learn what it takes for your spouse to understand your love for them.  If touch tells them they are loved, touch them.  If they are really responsive to you after you have left them a note, write more.

We tend to show love the way we understand love, but it does not mean the same thing to someone else.  We need to communicate to our spouse about what certain things that they do which help us feel loved, and then turn that off so that it doesn’t hinder how we are to love them.

This often can be a point of contention in marriage, and people do not even realize it.  Nobody guesses at what the problem is, they just don’t feel loved.  If you get this right, you will be on the road to reconnecting.  It might take a little while, but it will happen.

I believe it was Dr. Gary Chapman who coined the phrase “Love Language” and taught us about how we receive love.  Reconnect with your spouse today by communicating your love for them in a language they can understand.

Understanding your spouse in your Christian marriage takes intentional effort.  If you don’t work at it you will find the distance between you and your spouse getting larger.  Here are three ways to keep your marriage alive and your relationship close.

Pray With Your Spouse- Ask your spouse for ways that you can pray for them.  They will give you insight into their concerns and desires when you ask them.  Praying together also encourages one of the bonds of marriage that is often overlooked- the spiritual bond.  So, take action by simply asking, “How can I pray for you?”  After they’ve answered the question, then actually pray with them.  It’s easier than you think.  Just ask God to help them in the areas that they mentioned to you.

Intentional Observation- This can be said as pay close attention as well.  So often we get wrapped up in the details of our own lives, our own hobbies and our own perspectives that we miss what our spouse is going through.  Try asking your spouse about their day and how they feel about things that are happening in the world.  Take note of their reaction to things that happen around your home and how your children’s attitudes affect them.  If you watch on purpose for things to talk about with them, you’ll find a list of things that bring on meaningful conversation and show that you care enough to pay attention to them.

Listen Particularly Well- Most of the time when other people are talking to us, we are think about what we are going to say in return .  Part of really understanding involves listening to what your spouse is saying.  Next time you have a conversation with your spouse, work hard to fully understanding what they are communicating to you.  This is done by avoiding your own response until you have thoroughly explored the meaning behind their words.  Ask questions about what they have said starting your questions with, “Did you mean to say that…?”  Restate in your own words what you think they are really saying, then ask for their confirmation before interjecting your own thoughts.

I invite you to try out some tools for communicating through problems in your marriage in my nine part email course called, “Realignment for your Christian Marriage.”

Find it by clicking this link –     Christian Marriage Help

We all need help in our marriage.  There might be questions in our mind like, “Where do I find help?” or “Who can I trust?”  Some might even say, “No, I can handle it.”

In truth, if we want to see progress in our marriage, we need to get help.  It’s great to have someone from the outside view our relationship and then be able to give us what they see from their point of view.  We have blind spots that sometimes that keep us from making the most of our marriage.  There are volumes of books, tapes and videos available that can help us too.  So why read here at Christian Marriage Help?

I have a perspective.  Since 1987, my wife and I have studied, lived and taught marriage.  I have even put together an online seminar called “Cracking the Communication Code in your Christian Marriage.”  Christian marriage is our focus because we found a life in Christ that is most meaningful and a fulfilling that permeates every part of our lives.  Since God authored marriage, why not get answers from Him?

Through the years of reading and learning from others, we continue to desire to give back what we have gained from others.  So, here we are now at Christian Marriage Help.